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I Don't Have Time

December 18, 2015

"Instead of saying "I don't have time" try saying "It's not a priority, " and see how that feels. Often, that's a perfectly adequate explanation. I have time to iron my sheets, I just don't want to. But other things are harder. Try it: "I'm not going to edit your resume, sweetie, because it's not a priority." "I don't go to the doctor because my health is not a priority." If these phrases don't sit well, that's the point. Changing our language reminds us that time is a choice. If we don't like how we're spending an hour, we can choose differently. -Laura Vanderkam

Priorities are regarded as more important than other things and dealt with first. Priorities come from our emotions. Saying "something or someone" is important is one thing, but ranking it against other things is entirely different. Many people skip this ranking process all together. 

Tip: Creating an ordered list forces you to make tough decisions and put things in priority order. The top priorities are things you must do. The rest are things you hope to do, but can live without. You may face conflicting emotions as you decide what is truly important, but once you choose your priorities, the conflict will be over. Having rock solid priorities eliminates distractions, making it easier to focus on what matters. 

Kissing More Often

July 6, 2016

Today is National Kissing Day. Who ever came up with such a thing? Well I'm not complaining since it's one of my favorite topics and favorite forms of affection. Scientists have been fascinated by the act of kissing for ages and there have been some pretty cool and weird findings. 

Did you know that kissing triggers the release of oxytocin in your body? This "love" hormone," is involved in developing feelings of attachment. It's thought to be what keeps the love in a relationship alive long after the initial honeymoon period (and dopamine spike) is over. The dopamine spike happens initially and triggers yearning and desire. This spike decreases as the relationship continues. The oxytocin is what is released when you kiss someone important to you, that you love, hence what keeps the love going. 

On another note, there are tons of health benefits too. Medical researchers have found that kissing burning calories, firms up your face, and even helps in keeping your teeth clean (weird). So kissing is not only fun but healthy. 

One of the other findings that were interesting and made a lot of sense, was that we are more inclined to kiss and continue kissing if we smell and hear something pleasant. So boys, you had it right, turn on the yummy candles and soft music. Science says it works. 

The Science Of Couples

October 11, 2016

I had an instructor that always defined everything. He would say, "whenever we talk about something,  let's define what we are talking about to make sure we are talking about the same thing." Makes sense?  As annoying as it may have been at times, it actually did make sense. It avoided misunderstandings who knows how many times. So in honor of my instructor, I like to mimic that style and apply it to the science of couples. To define what we are talking about, the word science comes from the Latin word "scientia," meaning knowledge. Simply put, science is knowledge gained through study, observation, practice and/or experimentation. And the kind of couple we are referring to are two people who are married, engaged, or otherwise closely associated romantically. 

When we apply science to couples, we attain knowledge of the behavior of couples. We learn general truths about what works and what doesn't work when in a romantic relationship. This is so important because too many times we don't even search for this knowledge and instead approach our relationship from a right/wrong or good/bad standpoint. I'm right, you're wrong, I'm good, you're bad and we become dead set on proving it.  This only leaves relationships feeling empty, distant, and kills the passion and that loving feeling.  I can't tell you how many couples I have coached whose goal seemed to be to get me to rule on who was right. I would even bring out a gavel and strike a deal, "I will rule on who is right, but you either get to be right or have the girl or boy, but NOT both!" This would always confuse the couples. See, it's not possible to prove your spouse is wrong and bad and also create closeness to them.  No one feels love and excitement and passion while being put down or proven wrong. The science behind couples proves this approach does not work.  So instead of the default mode of proving our partner wrong and bad, why don't we start looking at what does work?

It seems we study so many things in life. All kinds of subjects in school and what we don't know, we google. Yet we don't take the time to educate ourselves on what actually works in relationships that are happy, loving, full of passion, adventure and excitement.  Our significant other is, after all, one of the most, if not the most important relationship we have. Doesn't it make sense to study the science of couples? In the articles that follow, I will post knowledge gained of what works and what doesn't, so you too can apply it to your relationship. In the meantime, start by kissing more often.

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